A Thousand Words
by Miss Raye
Summary: Sometimes a picture is worth more. JoshDonnaColin
1. The Opening Frame

A Thousand Words by: Raye

"So you're telling me you would have said something different?" Josh watched her face carefully, looking for the tell-tale signs... like the way the tips of her ears get red when she was really annoyed.

She took another couple of steps and paused just outside the bullpen, leaning a bit on her cane. "That's right, Josh. I would have...so would you if you had really thought it through."

"Really, Donna, you're blowing this out of proportion-"

"I am? You think I'm making it look worse than it is?" She didn't wait for his answer, hobbling forward straight into bullpen. "Let me tell you something, Mr. Lyman... you made this mess all by yourself and you're going to get out of it the same way."

He stalked after her. "Donna! I-"

"Colin!"

Josh froze when he heard her tone of voice. Sweet, light and happy. Damn that wanker.

"Hullo, luv."

Damn his accent.

"I'm so glad you're here."

That makes one of us. Josh stepped in closer and glared at Colin from a safe distance. Donna pulled an envelope from Colin's hand and tossed it on her desk.

"Donna, I-"

"I accept," she smiled up at the expression on Colin's face, "your invitation to lunch."

Damn him if he didn't take advantage of her delicate condition.

"Then lunch it is, dear girl, lunch it is."

He watched them go, teeth clamped together to keep himself from making a scene.

Damn Heathcliff's timing.

Josh floundered around his office, constantly checking Donna's desk to see if she was back. There were a thousand and one things that he needed right that minute and they were all at Donna's desk. His whiteout didn't work as well as hers did.

She horded all the best pens.. and damn if she didn't hide all the neat colors of post-its in the back of her drawer.

He didn't care what everyone else thought, even Margaret that gave him that sage arched brow when she caught him looking through Donna's drawer. It was Donna's fault after all. IF she hadn't gone out with... him.. he wouldn't have to look through her desk.

"Josh!"

"Go away, CJ, I'm busy..."

"Josh?" Toby's voice seemed to scream through his mind.

"Wha-OW!" Sitting up a little too quickly, he'd smacked his temple against the edge. Rubbing at the tender spot he looked up and waited for his vision to clear. "Yes?"

CJ shook her head and gave him a derisive look. "Tell me that I'm wrong Josh."

"You're wrong, CJ."

"Shut up, Josh."

He was honestly baffled, "CJ, you told me-"

"I want you too tell me that this is going to end up like that season on Dallas. I want to wake up tomorrow and find out that this is just a dream."

"You're talking about Donnelly?"

Toby huffed out a breath. "You think? Josh.. what the hell where you thinking? You told a three term Senator to shove it? Tell me-"

"Tell us-" CJ corrected.

"Yeah, tell US that we're hearing things... 'cause, Damn it, Josh, this isn't going to go away."

"Alright," Josh held up his hands in mock surrender, "I get it.. I get it.. I'll give him a call in the morning."

"Morning?" The inelegant snort that resonated in CJ's nose told him volumes.

"You'll call now."

Josh waved his free hand at the desk, "Donna's out, she'll have the number."

Toby shook his head, disbelieving. "Fine.. fine. And make sure she's holding your hand while you're on the phone.. I don't believe this." He whirled and stalked out of the room, CJ almost on his heels.

"By the way," she started, "You dropped an envelope on the floor, don't run over it with the chair."

"Yeah.. yeah..." he waved at her, more to make her go away then any genuine emotion at the moment.

He started to get up from the chair, but something CJ said filtered into his mind.

"You dropped an envelope-"

Donna. His mind flitted through a number of images. Donna smiling at Colin. Donna taking an envelope out of Colin's hand, Donna.... out to lunch with the pretty boy.

He picked up the envelope and got to his feet. Turning it over a few times he gave it a good once-over. No distinguishing marks, no name written on it... to or from.

Hefting it in his hands he nodded. 'Flat'... not a present or something like that.

He let himself give a little smile. 'At least it wasn't more flowers.'

Go ahead... he thought, and wondered why his inner-devil was dancing for joy... take a peek...

He turned the envelope over again. 'It's probably one of those do it yourself calendars you make at those all night copy places.'

Just the thought of seeing Colin's mug staring at him everyday was enough to -

RIP

"Oops," Josh whispered under his breath. "It's open."

With a quick look to the office, he retreated to his desk before checking on the contents.

The pictures quivered in his hands, the edges blurred with the shivering speed of his pain. 

Donna.

Just the sound of her name echoed in his thoughts.

Donna.

He'd seen her crouched down with children, gently touching a young girl's outstretched hand. He'd seen her talking to a young soldier, her eyes haunted with concern. He'd seen so many things in her smile, but he'd felt her pain as if it had been visited on him. 

Scratches, dark with fresh blood, marking her beautiful face. Her eyes closed as if she was... she could have been...

The air was suddenly missing from Josh's lungs. One moment he had been alive and suffering through the green eyed monster of jealousy and now.. now... he couldn't feel anything.

There was a hole that had opened up inside his chest, opened up with the cold precision of a pin prick, and had quickly swallowed up everything he had.

Everything except anger. That, he had plenty of.

"Hey, Donna!"

"Hi, Margaret."

"You're back... how was lunch?"

"Donna showed me one of her favorite places. It was... interesting."

He was obviously charming to the women, they had a good laugh as Josh struggled to breathe.

"Well, Darlin'... I'd best go, I've kept you long enough."

Josh barely heard the metallic shiver as his chair slid back behind him. He was

already on his feet and moving toward the door, his legs barely following his orders.

"Are you here on assignment, Colin?"

"No," Josh didn't even feel the effort it took to make it to the door, the blood in his veins must have been pumping enough adrenaline to get a whole frat full of jocks through finals. "I had a few days of leave left, thought I'd come by to see how Donna was healin'."

"Oh..." cooed Margaret, "that's sweet."

"Sweet," Josh choked on the word as it scratched through his throat. "That's a laugh."

Margaret took a step back, and Donna gave him a quizzical look.

"Yeah, Colin," he ground out between his clenched teeth, "you're so sweet. You and your little camera."

"Hullo, Josh."

"Shut up, Colin, I don't want to hear a word out of that mouth."

"Josh!" Donna's outrage wasn't lost on anyone in the room. Especially him. Josh looked at her, an explanation on his lips, but that was his undoing.

He saw her... her picture superimposed on her face. The pallor ruining the fresh blush of anger staining her cheeks, the red slashes dashed across pale perfect skin. "Donna."

"I'd better go," Colin had a hand on Donna's shoulder.

"Don't touch her." Even in Josh's ears, it sound like a growl.

Donna stepped closer to him, but it wasn't close enough, Colin still had his hand on her... was still touching her.

Colin squeezed her gently on the shoulder, "Donna-"

"Colin?" Josh felt his lips curl into a sneer, "Don't forget your pictures."

"My pic-.... ah, yes."

"Josh? What's going on?"

He couldn't even look at her. He couldn't let her see the hate in his eyes directed at her. He lifted his hand and felt the muscles in his hand begin to crush the glossy paper. "These pictures."

"You weren't supposed to see those-"

"Oh yeah, Boy-o? Who were they meant for? Donna?" Josh swallowed past the sudden lump in this throat. "Were you going to show these to her?" He didn't need a verbal confirmation, Colin's down-turned gaze was his answer. "I can't believe it... after what you saw her go through-"

"Josh-"

Cutting him off with a look, Josh paced forward and dropped the pictures on a desk. "You were there that day... right?"

Colin nodded.

A raspy laugh held back his words for a moment. "You were there, when... when she... you were standing close enough to take pictures?"

Donna turned her head to stare at Colin, pain flickering through her eyes as Josh continued, "You were there and you didn't help?"

There was silence in the room, it was impossible to miss what was going on.

"She could have died while you stood there.. .snapping pictures!"

"Pictures?" Donna's voice came out in a hoarse whisper, "you took pictures?"

Josh saw red. It flashed before his eyes, turning his vision bloody... bloody like the scratches on Donna's face. He cleared the room in a moment, launching himself at Colin. They fell together, buckling under Josh's assault.

Fingers wrapped around Colin's neck, pinching off his airway. Hands grabbed at Josh, trying to pull him away. He couldn't let go, not when he could still see Donna's bloody face in his mind. "You took pictures!"

Colin was struggling for breath. "I'm not a medic, Josh, I couldn't-" He let out a gasp as a couple of stunned staffers managed to pull Josh back.

Still, Josh wasn't done. "Don't try to feed me that load of crap! You had a choice, you could have tried to help... instead you took pictures while she..."

"I did what I could, Josh." Colin's voice was barely a whisper in the quiet tomb of the bullpen. "So did you."

Josh's eyes narrowed and he shook off the restraining hands on his shoulder. "What are you talking about?"

Colin shook his head, "Never mind, Josh."

"No, no..." Josh wasn't going to be put off, not now... not by Colin, "don't stop... tell me what you were going to say."

"Fine." Colin stretched his neck, rubbing gently at the reddened impressions in his skin, "Whatever you want, Josh. I said you did what you could, too. After all, you sent her there. YOU... You put her in harm's way. Did that make you look good to the President, Josh? Sending your Girl Friday into Gaza? Where does all this self-righteousness come from, anyway?"

The accusation hit him right in the gut, nearly taking the wind out of his sails. He wasn't really surprised at the accusation, after all, it wasn't anything that he hadn't already accused himself of.

"That isn't-"

"Stop, both of you." Donna drew their attention, her expression pinched with concern. "I... I can't take your arguing like this." She turned slightly, taking a step away from Colin and facing him. "I did it."

"What?" Colin shook his head, like he was trying to clear out the cobwebs. "What are you talking about, Donna?"

"I asked him to send me, Colin. I outright nagged him to let me go. I..." her voice was breaking up, cracking like ice in a thaw,"I got exactly what I... wanted-"

"Donna..." Josh's voice broke through her spiraling emotions in a strong baritone timbre. "...you don't have to-"

"But I do," she insisted, "I'm sure Colin isn't the first one to wonder. He won't be the last."

Josh nodded.

"Colin," Donna waited for a moment before Colin's gaze met hers, she settled her hand on his arm, "we need to talk." He followed her out of the room, picking up the pictures as he went.

Sagging against the glass partition, Josh couldn't seem to get any air in his lungs. She'd left with Colin. She'd just left with him. After all she'd heard... even after she defended him... she'd gone with Colin. Colin... Josh struggled to find some biting comment, but he couldn't think of anything... except Donna... going with Colin. 


	2. Coming into Focus

A Thousand Words - pt II by: Raye

Colin watched the way she walked, agonizing over the slight hitch in her gait. She was still wearing the aftereffects of the attack, still suffering the indignities she'd lived through. "Donna, I-"

She held up a hand as she drew in breath after breath. Her shoulders bobbing with the exertion. "Just... give me a minute."

He waited, willing to give her at least some respite before he begged for forgiveness. She lifted the photos and slowly leafed through them. He waited... waited on pins and needles... waited for God himself to strike him down where he stood.

Instead, he stood untouched and waited while each emotion traveled across her features like a funeral procession, ponderous and full of weighty memories. Gentle smiles, barely contained laughter and then the pain of confusion... a perhaps a little bit of betrayal thrown in for good measure.

"This is why you came here today?"

He wasn't going to try to excuse it, he owed her so much more than that. "I thought... I felt you needed to see them."

She paused for a moment. He held his tongue, desperate not to rush her.

"Well, I've seen them. What's supposed to happen now?"

Her eyes were quiet, focused, calm... something was going horribly wrong. "I can't say that, Donna, I didn't come here with answers."

"Then, why did you come?" There it was... a gentle quiver in her tone.

"I needed to show them to you, Donna. Needed the decisions to be yours."

"Decisions." She parroted him, her eyes... hooded with dark thoughts. "Mine... What decision?"

"Do I throw them out? And, luv, do you throw me out?"

Her eyes scanned the photo again, her lips pressed together into a grim line. "I look..." he didn't have ask her what photo she had on top of the pile. "I look... my God, Colin... I was dying, wasn't I?"

He nodded slowly, even though she didn't look up. They both knew the answer. "I didn't take the pictures to hurt you Donna."

"Oh good, then it was just morbid curiosity?"

"No," it hurt, but he deserved the jab, "Have you ever had a moment when you faced down a situation you had no control over?" He saw her questioning look and continued on, "Think about it, Donna. The world is falling down around your ears and you can't do a damn thing to make it right?"

"I still don't-"

"I saw you slipping away, Donna. I saw you, bleeding... damn it, Donna, I thought you were dead and there wasn't a thing I could do. So, for better or worse, I went numb and I did what I've done a thousand times before. I took pictures."

She looked haunted, as though death itself had just passed behind her eyes.

"I'm not asking for your forgiveness, Donna. I don't think there's a single thing I could say that wouldn't sound like some pretty excuse even to my own ears, but I wanted you to know."

She squeezed her eyes shut, pressed her lips together and stood stock still.

The room echoed in silence.

"Colin?"

"Yeah, luv?"

Her lids rose slowly as her gaze fixed on his face. "You've been there before, haven't you? You been there when other bombs have gone off... when people have died. Right?"

He nodded.

"It's a reflex thing. It didn't... doesn't mean anything special. Right?"

It sounded so cold on her lips. "Donna-"

"It's alright, Colin.. I think... I understand." She moved forward a step, no more that a foot closing between them. "It's a learned response. We have something like that here in the West Wing. Crisis Mode." She lifted her hands and stared at them, noticing the quiver of her fingers. "You forget what it is to be... normal. You shut out the emotions and you deal with what you can, when you can. You become a machine... like your camera. For a short time, you forget what it means to...feel instead of just reacting." She reached one hand up and traced a near-invisible scar. "The trick is, never spending so much time in 'Crisis Mode' that you forget what it is to be human."

He was stunned into silence. It sounded like a death sentence of one kind or another. In a few words, she'd reduced him from man to stainless-steel robot. The sad thing was, Colin wasn't quite sure that she was wrong.

Colin reached out for her hand and was surprised when she wrapped her fingers around his. "I don't hate you," she whispered. "I don't think you did anything wrong..." he felt his heart begin to beat again, "but I don't think we are going to work."

An embarrassed little smile marred his stricken look. "No?"

She shook her head, "No." Her cheeks flushed like peaches ripening in the sun. "Colin... I... it's not you-"

"Awww, luv, if I only had a penny..."

Donna gave a weak smile. "How about a kiss? A friend once told me a penny isn't worth a thing anymore." She closed the distance and placed a gentle kiss on his cheek. She pulled away as she headed for the door, turning back for a moment before she left him behind. "Colin, you need a shave." 


	3. Exposure

A Thousand Words - pt III by: Raye

Josh heard the door close and his teeth ground together, "Toby... I said I'd call, but Donna-"

"Josh."

His jaw went slack as the sound of her voice registered in his brain. "Donna." It took him a long moment before he could actually lift his chin and look at her. And when he did, it nearly broke his heart. Tears, unshed and clinging to her lashes, glistened in the horrible lighting of his office.

He found himself standing before he'd even made a conscious effort. He stood and reached out a hand to her. She didn't move and so he did, another step closer, putting them less than a arm's length apart. "You came back."

Inside, he winced at the moronic turn of a phrase, feeling totally impotent to do anything right, so instead of trying to fix her... he did what he could to fix the empty hole inside his own chest. He touched his knuckles to her cheek, stroking the soft creamy skin in one long tender touch. When she didn't pull away he swiped a finger over one independent tear that had decided to make a lonely trek.

"I came back, Josh, because-"

"Donna, I-." He closed his eyes on her expression, knowing that hurt and anger he'd see. "You can hate me all you want, Donna.. I just couldn't stand the thought of him snowing you about the photos. He brought them here... here, Donna, into the White House! The one place where I thought I could keep you safe, and-"

"Josh."

He squeezed his eyes tighter, willing her to go away until he could deal with the guilt.

"Josh." There wasn't a place on this earth he could go to escape the insistent tone of her voice. "Look at me."

Against his better judgement, he did what she said. Slowly opening his eyes and watched while she swam into focus. "Donna, I'm s-"

"Don't say you're sorry, Josh. I know you mean it, but I don't need to hear it. Not today, not ever." She looked as though she was waiting for him to say something, but there was nothing on his mind that he wanted to say, nothing that he knew of that wouldn't get him in trouble. "I suppose you're wondering why I left with him."

He waited, curiosity gnawing on his nerve endings.

She stepped back and bumped into the side of his desk, holding herself there as if the desk was keeping her upright. "I had to hear it from him... what I really mean is that I had to see it in his eyes, Josh."

"His excuses-"

"No. I had to see that it was over."

"Over." His middle was a jumble of emotions, roiling around and around inside.

She continued on. "It's something I've known since I woke up in Germany, with you in a wrinkled suit, looking as though you'd lost something. I knew, with absolute certainty, that everything was going to be alright. You were there. You would fix it." "I think you're giving me too much credit..."

"Just like you did with my diary, I knew you'd be there and make it right."

For a moment all he could see was a pile of bloody bandages on the floor at his feet. "I let you go, Donna... I let you go to get you off my back.." The words sounded bitter to his ears. I didn't have to send you, I should have known."

"Wait-"

"No," he shook his head, "I need to say it. I'm the man when it comes to Domestic Policy, Donna, but when it comes to the Middle East, it's all bluster. Sure, I read the reports, hell, we all do, but the Middle East... I know what it says on paper, Donna, but in reality, that measures up to absolutely nothing. I didn't know any 'real' about where I sent you... I didn't know who these people were... God, Donna-"

"I know who they are. I know them, thanks to Colin. I was able to really 'talk' to people. To find out what they think, what they want for their children.... and you know, Josh, I'm glad you sent me."

He looked for any sign of pain in her eyes, looked for any reason to plant a fist right in the middle of Colin's face.

She looked straight into his eyes and he didn't flinch. He left himself open... waiting for her to give him a clue. It gave her a moment of pause. He didn't used to be like that. He didn't wait for her... for anyone.

Either you were able to keep up, or he left you behind.

It was then that Donna realized something.... she wasn't chasing after him any more and he wasn't blinding forging ahead. Instead, they were finally on even footing... finally able to look each other in the eye and see the other for who they were.

She breathed him in. The clean scent of his shampoo, the spicy scent of his cologne, the fear that was a mere shadow of her own. Donna fought for control of her heart and finally realized it was a lost cause, so she did the only thing she could do.

She gave up fighting.

He was going under. Head over heels underwater and it didn't make a damn bit of difference. It was the feel of her lips on his, the way her fingers slid through the hair at the nape of his neck.... the way she took every reservation he had and shattered them into a million pieces.

Josh held onto her, his arms cuddling her with a mix of protective instinct and desperation. "Donna... Donna..." he barely heard the sound of his own voice whispering against her lips as he clung to her in the safe haven of his office.

"Josh?" The door swung open and bounced off the wall with shuddering force. "Did you call Donnelly – I'll come back later"

Toby reached for the door knob and it took a few swipes of his fingers before he managed to swing it closed. Just before the door latched tight Josh thought he heard a little chuckle and a few choice words. "It's about damn time." 


End file.
